Confronting fears...

Today I found myself pushing through a fear. I fear death. Not the act of dying, since that will happen to us all, but the concept of death after someone has died. I think im scarred a bit from past experiences and childhood memories of close relatives and loved ones who have passed on. Today I took a moment of repose... inside of a coffin....with the lid shut.

I was freaked out for a second. The first few moments, once the lid was shut I could think two things 1) Holy crap, I'm claustrophobic; and 2) This is where my uncle, cousin and grandfather have lied with their hands crossed in the same manner. I fought this thought. I psyched myself out a bit, just like I would when I was a kid. Before I would tell myself, "They are watching over me and taking care of me from above..." Today I thought, "I get to experience rest just as my loved ones have in the past, and in a similar space in which I am lying now, they still lie."

Changing my attitude about the situation and viewing it from a different perspective was all it took. You know, I was brought up with the idea that when someone dies, they go to heaven. The tradition was that for 9 days after the death we pray the rosary in hopes that the prayer would reserve their spot in heaven. We wore black to the funeral. We cry. We are sad. In my most recent experience of passing, my friend was provided a farewell celebration. A celebration of her life, which was a new approach to me and I really appreciated. Share stories. Cry. Laugh. Play music. Eat, Drink. Be merry. This was the first time that I was not scared after dealing with death. I knew it was going to a better place.

I guess its how the person who passes wants to be celebrated and it brings to mind: "How do I want my ceremony to be when I die?" and the reality of it is, I want to be celebrated as if I were still alive. A celebration of life at its best. Food, Live Music, Friends and Family, in a nice open space, games, laughter, creating more memories.

I think moving forward I am going to visit the coffin more often and just embrace it. Let it authentically represent itself in its finest form: a safe space.

My thoughts about the world we live in

It's a strange place made up of strange people.

Often times I come across a train of thoughts that makes me wonder about myself. Am I normal? What is normal? Why do people do things they do? Why do I do things I do? What's next? How does all this fit together? I definitely don't have all the answers all the time, besides the fact that I know that I am strange as well. Different. Unique!

I was in a yoga class a a few days ago and the instructor finished the class with saying "I don't know you all here, but I love you. Namaste" That stuck. I then realized how closed off I am, but here I thought that I am a pretty social and open person. This was confirmed when we were leaving the same yoga class and although I know 3 of the 45 people in the class, we did have a commonality. For the first few minutes when leaving the class I kept to myself and realized I didn't even make eye contact with people. Gotta change. I then show acknowledgment and appreciation of others... with the simple sight of my smile. After that yoga class I felt DAMN good. I was in euphoria. I even felt high, but I was just happy and I had to show that.

Sometimes I get frustrated with people for not being one way or another. Nonetheless people are the way they are and there has to be a common ground. Precisely the way that politicians manipulate their positions to the"middle" during elections, we too can compromise our beliefs a bit and resonate with others' beliefs.

The world we live in is in pain. There is hatred. People abuse their environments and the natural resources that we are so lucky to have. This is all TRUE and some choose not to consider these things. All that said, I think emphasizing a focus on the positive in our lives is important. Starting with one's self and ensuring that me, myself and I is good, then I can focus on everyone and everything else. Some might say this is selfishness at its best (and to be honest this is something I am working on also... I suffer from ES, extreme selflessness) BUT if we are not okay, everything generally seems to be worse.

I am reminded of times when I have been able to profoundly reflect on some of the many opportunities I have had in life. That is when I have assessed most of my personal growth and realized 'Yes , this changed my life and I feel good". Sometimes it take a special place to do this, or special people. Find what that is and do it. Reflect, write, compliment, smile, and be you.

Cheers.
Jm