The guy at the bar

Being true to yourself is not always easy. Sometimes it is one of the most difficult, yet revealing things that we can do: being true and honest with oneself. In the last few days I have embarked on a detox program, that truly is not that extreme in terms of guidelines, but it does push your limits. My menu does not currently include many of the things that it normally does for my regular diet before I started this program (wine and beer, cheese, chocolate bars, bread) so in having recently hone out to public places, I have had to conform my menu to theirs.

While at a mellow neighborhood bar in Santa Barbara this past weekend, I was offered a beer many times. Thanks, but I am okay. Eventually I found my way to the bar and while listening to the wondrous beats of Sleighbells (whom I only recently discovered), I decided tea would be my cuppa that night. Chamomile tea, please! I pulled the Scrabble board game that was sitting on the game shelf in the bar and proceeded to create various 3-4 letter words.

Other times, I am tossing back G&Ts or IPAs and carrying on conversations left and right. I eat peanuts to compliment whatever I am drinking. This time: I was almost at a point of meditation while at a bar outing. It was NICE. I was with good company and mentally stimulating myself on a Friday night without the "traditional" desire to spend $50 on inebriating substances.

While this experience was only the first of many, I am sure. I found that I was "that guy" sitting at the bar, sipping away at my tea while most others were getting canned on wine and beer. It was even harmonious to be doing such an act that was a little more foreign to me. I plan to continue being that guy who orders tea... and secretly wishing he was having a glass of wine.

When change happens...

Recently I have found myself surrounded by change. Loose change in my pockets, the leaves on trees starting to change slightly in color, co-workers being let go, my little sister getting engaged, getting to know myself better through exploring that which I connect with, watching and feeling the weather get cooler... it's all relevant change.

It is when this change happens and how we react to it that makes a big difference. I spoke to my father this evening and after a little while of shooting the shit we were about to hang-up and then I interrupted with an inquiry as to his feelings regarding the recent engagement. Now my father has never really been one to show emotion. I can count on my fingers the number of times I have really seen the emotional heart of my dad. His response to my question resembled his common state of being: neutral. I pushed him to expose himself a bit. I want to see him really be into what he was thinking, but he digressed.

We all make decisions to not fully involve ourselves in life experiences to our full extent, if we did pour all of our energy, heart and soul into everything we did every single day, either we would be extremely drained and really tired, or we would need to slow WAY down. Nonetheless, my feeling is that in this "fast paced" life many of us live in (whether we want to or not) we have to choose our battles. Change is happening all around us, every second of the day and what we choose to focus on should provide a sense of savoring. It was said to me recently, "Those who have the ability to savor lead the happiest lives." Savor those moments that you are confronted with, both positive and negative. Its the balance of both that will allow a forward trajectory.

I will most likely re-visit the topic with my dad. I'll just have to find the right way to approach it to make it positive for both of us. After all change is good and learning to include and digest the emotions that come with change will make us that much better.

be silent, be still....

"shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......"

Over the last few days, maybe even week- I have been in quiet mode. Not that I am going around "shushing" other people, but I have more or less done that to myself. While all the noise is going on around me, I have taken a step back and listened. Not that I do not want to be part of the noise, but I want to be observant of the noise. This is the noise happens around us all the time and sometimes we choose to be part of it and sometimes we choose to ignore it, but rarely do we choose to observe it from a third party perspective. I have appreciated doing this over the last few days.

The noise around us is telling of who we are as individuals. What kind of environment do we surround our selves by? How can we harness the noise, and become one with it, to allow us a leap to our next endeavor? These are the curious questions that have come about from observing the noise. This noise has taken various forms... rain drops, car alarms, peoples footsteps, t.v. commercials and sirens, to name a few. The noise takes different shapes and sizes. What do they all mean and why are these noises happening, both independently and collectively?



This period of quiet time has started this wave of observation for me... and in a simple way I am learning more about me and tuning into the noises that I myself produce. My noises are not all pleasant, but the truth is I have to know about them for myself and address them from there.

At the end of the day, if when being observant the outcome is a pleasant listen of a light rainfall on the trees outside ones window... then consider that a win.

Honoring the body-

From the moment we can comprehend we know the body sends us signals about our well-being. As a toddler, the sound of a fart made us develop uncontrollable laughter... although that might continue into adulthood. The crackle of our voice in middle school, well something was evidently changing there. As time changes the body sends signals of pain and of joy, emotional and physical. We indulge in various activities that cause for a certain emotion and feeling to be produced within our body. Some feelings and emotions are not necessarily welcome, but they still send us a signal of how we are doing.

I have recently become a victim to a whirlwind of feelings within my own body. In training for the marathon I have managed to injure my IT Band and my TFL on my right leg. Soon after I started regularly doing yoga and then I came down with a cold/ upper respiratory infection, which has by now lasted for 3-weeks. Is my body trying to tell me something? I recently went to the doctor and realized that I have been to URGENT care 3 times this year. I tend to think of myself as a healthy, non-sickly person, but I guess my body begs to differ. It is at times like this that reassessing my routines and taking into consideration the smoke signals that are being sent to me via IT band and phlegm are truly important.

Our bodies are indeed wonderlands. we need to take time to listen carefully to the wants and needs of the body- truly and honorably care for one's self by simply listening to the body and not abusing it when it is sending signals, or ever for that matter. I pledge that from here on out, I will listen to my body and work to make it a better functioning machine for my own good, and where necessary reach a compromise.

Here's to honoring our bodies, of all shapes and all sizes.

Confronting fears...

Today I found myself pushing through a fear. I fear death. Not the act of dying, since that will happen to us all, but the concept of death after someone has died. I think im scarred a bit from past experiences and childhood memories of close relatives and loved ones who have passed on. Today I took a moment of repose... inside of a coffin....with the lid shut.

I was freaked out for a second. The first few moments, once the lid was shut I could think two things 1) Holy crap, I'm claustrophobic; and 2) This is where my uncle, cousin and grandfather have lied with their hands crossed in the same manner. I fought this thought. I psyched myself out a bit, just like I would when I was a kid. Before I would tell myself, "They are watching over me and taking care of me from above..." Today I thought, "I get to experience rest just as my loved ones have in the past, and in a similar space in which I am lying now, they still lie."

Changing my attitude about the situation and viewing it from a different perspective was all it took. You know, I was brought up with the idea that when someone dies, they go to heaven. The tradition was that for 9 days after the death we pray the rosary in hopes that the prayer would reserve their spot in heaven. We wore black to the funeral. We cry. We are sad. In my most recent experience of passing, my friend was provided a farewell celebration. A celebration of her life, which was a new approach to me and I really appreciated. Share stories. Cry. Laugh. Play music. Eat, Drink. Be merry. This was the first time that I was not scared after dealing with death. I knew it was going to a better place.

I guess its how the person who passes wants to be celebrated and it brings to mind: "How do I want my ceremony to be when I die?" and the reality of it is, I want to be celebrated as if I were still alive. A celebration of life at its best. Food, Live Music, Friends and Family, in a nice open space, games, laughter, creating more memories.

I think moving forward I am going to visit the coffin more often and just embrace it. Let it authentically represent itself in its finest form: a safe space.

My thoughts about the world we live in

It's a strange place made up of strange people.

Often times I come across a train of thoughts that makes me wonder about myself. Am I normal? What is normal? Why do people do things they do? Why do I do things I do? What's next? How does all this fit together? I definitely don't have all the answers all the time, besides the fact that I know that I am strange as well. Different. Unique!

I was in a yoga class a a few days ago and the instructor finished the class with saying "I don't know you all here, but I love you. Namaste" That stuck. I then realized how closed off I am, but here I thought that I am a pretty social and open person. This was confirmed when we were leaving the same yoga class and although I know 3 of the 45 people in the class, we did have a commonality. For the first few minutes when leaving the class I kept to myself and realized I didn't even make eye contact with people. Gotta change. I then show acknowledgment and appreciation of others... with the simple sight of my smile. After that yoga class I felt DAMN good. I was in euphoria. I even felt high, but I was just happy and I had to show that.

Sometimes I get frustrated with people for not being one way or another. Nonetheless people are the way they are and there has to be a common ground. Precisely the way that politicians manipulate their positions to the"middle" during elections, we too can compromise our beliefs a bit and resonate with others' beliefs.

The world we live in is in pain. There is hatred. People abuse their environments and the natural resources that we are so lucky to have. This is all TRUE and some choose not to consider these things. All that said, I think emphasizing a focus on the positive in our lives is important. Starting with one's self and ensuring that me, myself and I is good, then I can focus on everyone and everything else. Some might say this is selfishness at its best (and to be honest this is something I am working on also... I suffer from ES, extreme selflessness) BUT if we are not okay, everything generally seems to be worse.

I am reminded of times when I have been able to profoundly reflect on some of the many opportunities I have had in life. That is when I have assessed most of my personal growth and realized 'Yes , this changed my life and I feel good". Sometimes it take a special place to do this, or special people. Find what that is and do it. Reflect, write, compliment, smile, and be you.

Cheers.
Jm

The push to the finish line

Its been about 10 years since I decided that jogging would be the thing that I do. It started as a habit changer. In deciding to quit smoking and I took on running. Initially a quarter mile and I was huffing and puffing and sometimes had to walk the last .24 miles of my jog. A couple years into being a "runner", the thought of someday running a marathon entered the scene and here we are now in 2010, I am officially training for a marathon.

Going into week 9 of training I have had many "aHa" moments. Who would've known training for a marathon is as educational experience as it really is.

1. I have firstly learned that I can't eat whatever the helc I want. Gotta watch out, the dinner from the night before might be lurking around to spite you for the 5am jog.
2. You gotta listen to the signals your body gives you. All the bones and muscles in your body talk. You just gotta listen and respond accordingly, but still gotta push them to become stronger.
3. Santa Barbara has soo many places that are even more beautiful than the post cards. Running provides the opportunity to explore all of these places and I look forward to finding more gems in the next 9 weeks of training.
4. Time management is key. Since the need to follow your training program is huge, every run should be adhered to, meaning Friday nights means no outings and for most part have to get to bed early (before midnight).
   
5. the 8 glasses of water rule, so importante. In fact im siding with the 16 rule now.
6. Stretching is key. My muscles are very sore, all the time, but the pain in stretching reinforces comfort and strength later.
7. Company. Knowing that others are doing the same thing is helpful. I am running with a few friends that are also training for marathons and sharing experiences is helpful.
   
8. Establishing limits before starting. I have always been a SOLO runner, no talking, no music, set my own pace and just do it. Ive changed a bit- BUT still appreciate running alone on some occasions as it serves to clear my mind and is my way of "escaping".
   

I do not think that I will become a marathoner. I dont know. but what I do know is that I am very much appreciate of this experience in being able to push my body a bit. More so than I have in previous physical challenges. I know when I cross the finish line I will be nearly dead, but when I look back upon the 18 weeks of training, I will have accomplished a life long goal.

Until next time-
Jm